Wondering

I thought life was easy, I thought after I graduate everything would flow smoothly, I thought nothing’s gonna stressed me again, but now I’m wondering how I ever came up with those thoughts.

The very first time they told me to apply for a job, I was terrified. I can’t understand what I was feeling, I was thinking what if nobody would ever accept me or if there are jobs out there that would fit me. I was sad at the same time, I’ll be leaving my comfort zone, I’ll be leaving the home that has been my nest for nineteen years, the home that provided me shelter, care, attention, love and most of all food. Kidding aside, I really love food and thinking of leaving the place with overflowing food just scared the hell out of me.

What’s even more scary is that I have to go to a city that I’m not even familiar of. To me that city is something that’s for people who are rich and smart. But even if I’m carrying all those emotions I still went there. Then the day came when I have to apply for the first ever job that I’ll be having in my entire life. My hands were shaking and so is my whole being. Negative thoughts have been flooding my mind again, maybe I will not be accepted by this company. But then I was.

I was able to sign the contract and started the training. The first day of the training was like a bomb that exploded without some timer. I was taken by surprise. I was culture-shocked. I can’t even move, I’m not used to it. I’m not used of hearing people who keeps on cursing each other, and people who are very open of their private life or should I say sexual activities. It’s like I’m in the wrong place.

Well, for how many days I was thinking that I’m in the wrong place, but after encountering different people I was able to realize that I’m not. I know what I’m supposed to do but my heart is controlling my feet from taking even a single step. I’m too scared, too scared to take that leap. Too scared to move in a very scarred world.

I’m not really sure how long will I stay in that place, but one thing’s for sure, I really want to stay long. There is something in there that saddens my heart; broken souls, like mine. I am a broken soul wandering without a destination, and I’m in the process of looking for the pieces of my lost identity. I know where to find it but what’s lacking is the right emotion.

Until now I’m wondering, wondering how I came at this point, wondering when all of these will be over.

Image use on this post isn’t mine. Credits to the rightful owner.

 

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