When going back is hard…

You’ve been a part of something great. You already found a ministry, an instrument to play and you’ve been filled with wisdom that those older than you are not able to have. You were overwhelmed with so much fire. Cried so much tears because you can’t stand His grace. Kneeled because you’ve been in awe of His greatness, of His love. Then one day you’ll wake up and realize all of them are gone, in a blink of an eye. In a matter of seconds. Then frustration engulfs you as you perceive that you can’t recognize black from white, right from wrong, goodness from cruelty, and virtue from vices at all.

It happens a lot, to a lot of people who were once so strong, who were once found faithful. In our comfort zone we are full of ideas, of fantasies and of plans. We think that once we step in to the battlefield our plans would eventually work. We think that we’ve imagined enough scenarios and resolutions, but it’s not the case. When you are in a battlefield you really have to think of a way right away to defeat your enemy’s attack, you can’t just stand there and wait for your enemy to work on the way you’ve imagined them to. Your enemy’s got strategies as well but since your enemy has been existing for billions of years and you are but a mist who’ll live under 100, surely you’ll lose because you lack experience.

Stepping out you thought you will remain strong, but you are wrong. Outside your comfort zone are broken souls, crying in agony, suffering, and the worse thing is you are the only one who hears and sees them, those people couldn’t even feel it. Seeing them makes you think of ways for them to realize that they are on big trouble if they won’t stop from their evil deeds. You are very sensitive to the outside world that you will have to evolve to stop hearing those terrible noise and even compromise, but in the process of doing so you’re losing the ability to hear God. Instead, you listen to their reasons and observe why they are that way and you start to question God’s power, wisdom and love.

You ask why He is letting bad things to happen when He should be in control? Why didn’t He stopped people when what they are doing leads them to destruction? Does He think all people are capable of realizing His reasons? Is His love really for all or only to those who are faithful to Him? What about the others who aren’t? You already know the answer yet you know if you are going to explain things to them they will look for a proof, so you keep on asking God to look for a concrete answer.

Later on you will become one of them, one whose soul is crying as well because of the forgotten faith, and once you realized that, you just don’t know how to go back to your old self. To that sensitive person that desires to serve God, to seek God, to honor Him, someone who is willing to die just for Jesus’ story to be heard. You stop seeing things through His eyes, you’ve become blinded and now you’re lost. You know the only way but you refuse to remember. You became prideful that instead of humbling yourself to go back home you started seeking treasures that could fulfill your fleshly desires. Giving in has been the best option for the flesh to survive and God became the new name of hindrance.

I know how hard it is to go back, because that ‘YOU’ is me and I’m still stuck.

Image used is not mine. Credits to the rightful owner.



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