The Feeling

Growing up, I always see people around me who fall in love, go on dates, share their moments on social media and see them separate or get married. I, on the other hand, never experienced having a boyfriend or someone who treats me like I am someone worthy of their attention. Well maybe once, but that someone is just looking for fun. I misinterpreted his actions since he’s too sweet; he holds my hand, shares stories about his life and his feelings, and he gives me stuff.

I’m on my sweet sixteen years wherein experiencing love, puppy love or infatuation is inevitable because of my raging hormones. Momentarily, I was in euphoria. Then reality slapped the truth on my face, I was played, and I wasn’t in love. It was hard for me because I already made scenarios on my head about my future with that someone. Turns out life just threw a real big joke that wasn’t funny at all.

Now, as I look back, what happened seared my heart. I became too cautious of the guys that I meet, became oblivious of what they feel and pushed them away until nobody’s left. The only thing that’s left is me and my feeling of longing. The feeling of wondering what it feels when you love and when you are loved.

The moment I realized that, I started to think that every guy that I meet is a potential partner. In the end I get disappointed because I know that a potential partner is someone that you should know wholly, and you can’t just pick a random stranger and imagine them as that someone who’s waiting at the altar at the end of the aisle.

Looking at my close friends, my church mates and even family members, some are getting married already this year and here I am in the corner wishing for that forever that I wasn’t certain whether it will come or not, whether it is true or false, and whether it is reality or fantasy-a mere figment of my desperate imagination. I know having a boyfriend or a husband is not a requirement but I really wanted to have someone to share my life with.

In my desperation, I resorted to creating accounts on dating sites hoping to find that special someone. It’s not good, but one can hope right? After all some of my friends in Facebook found their husbands on dating sites. But after watching videos on Youtube about psychotic individuals who murder people, I realized that the people I meet online might be mentally-disturbed and is capable of knowing my location and kill me. So I gave up on the idea of finding that special someone online, and now I don’t have any idea where I could find that special someone.

My sister keeps on telling me to make a list of the qualities I’m looking for a man and pray to God about it, but my pride keeps me from drawing near to God. I want to punch myself for my craziness, but seriously, what I’m feeling right now is to stop being the observer and experience love myself.

Photo not mine. Credits to whoever owns the photo. You are superb! 🙂





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